Fading Away

[SnShnPlayr]

I feel myself always slowly drifting...
through my life with no effect...
And i always think to myself
if im truly worth
the things ive be blessed with...
Everday i look and search hard..
.But i cant understand...
Through all the trials in my life...
Some life that i have had...
You see me in daily laughter and smiles...
So confident and strong...
Yet when i am alone...
I sit and cry
and
i ask myself this question...
Just what and where and how do i belong...
I try really hard i find..
To figure out and guess..
To put myself down
and descimate against myself...
My life i do confess..
I know out there
somewhere is something deeper..
there has to be...
Some meaning to this dam life....
I need to make a difference..
And find a reason for my strife.....
Where is that meaning...
Some past that has to be found..
.God told me one day
there is a greater purpose waiting...
But only if i care to hang around.....
My fears tease and haunt me..
there never out of sight....
A vision i cannot reach...
As the darkness hides the light....
I struggle to be pain free and happy..
To what is waiting for me.....
And yet im weak...
And i always fade be4 i speak...
The harder i try..
To see through that haze...
I just keep asking Questions...
Through that endless fearing gaze..
.Maybe i try to hard...
Just to understand it all...
But will i ever truly know...
Just what God has in store...
Every moment passed...
Just adds up to the next...
And really at the end
will i ever find the truth...
Or will i be perplexed...
I know i make it harder
than it has to be sometimes...
But as i search
will it bring to me...
A meaning over time....
Or will i always be broken...
And confused as i feel now...
I need to rid this torrment..
and all this fear and hate..
So God will let me ...
throught those pearly gates

Delores

d124nn83.spaces.live.com/

[codedd]

aww another sad but great poem!

[SnShnPlayr]

thx hun i had a real tough life and this is what i did since i hurt 24/7 it was easy to write poems as could do nothing else .. i was really down at time glad you liked them

[codedd]

aww I am so sorry. Mind if I ask why you are in pain? Back/etc

[SnShnPlayr]

well i have multi level degerative disc desease along with fibromyagia.. arthritis .. have had both knees replaced and a hip .. have rhumatoid arthrits have had about 22 operation in last 25 years so been rough on me have been in 3 comas almost died last one .. and been in about 14 accidents 1 motorcycle one car went thru red light n hit us n rest were just car accidents but takes toll on bones have broke both feet n arms lol and a broken toe lmao shall i go on n my pain meds dont work well maybe they would but hate taking them because cause other probs to hardly sleep as its 4am now n still awake i gets to me somedays but i do try n deal n i never nap im lucky to get 2 hours sleep night if that horrible way to live

with pain

[codedd]

oh no! That is terrible. It is unlucky to get into 1 acciendent..but that many? No offense but it looks like if you didnt have bad luck youd have none at all =(

[SnShnPlayr]

yeah n o kidding eh least got some lol luck im still alive so guess that counts

[codedd]

Thats true, just so horrible..We have another admin I doubt you know she is hardly around cause she uses her 'pain' as an excuse and is always woe is meing and she was only in 2 accidents. I dont doubt she hurts but she is ALWAYS complainging and using that as an excuse all the time.

[SnShnPlayr]

well cant use as an excuse sur ei get tired and cry and hurt horribly but ya have to learn to deal and do things to get your mind off things .. like today i did floors with mop .. all 3 lol .. cant do often daughter usually does but i had a few min i was okay .. changed bedding .. had gson over fr lunch hes 5 lol .. so gotta keep doing something even if it small .. i cant travel far without stopping i want to go kentucky soon with bf for a get away but will have to stop 100 times to stretch n relax hard for me to be in one spot to long ..

[codedd]

aww terrible way to be : (

[SnShnPlayr]

yeah it is hun but nothing you can do .. we have been dealt a pooty life but i am thankful to be alive and well is all .. i might not be able to enjoy things i used to do but i deal and do my best is all i can do i might have to compromise a few things like if i take a longer walk i take my walker or if going short distance i take my cane .. i go on a tredmill to walk to keep mobile daily but i sure get stiff with the fibro so easy muscle in my upper arm is so tight on bone can hardly move it and takes my breath away sometime if move quickly but hey there are worse people off than me is all i think of so i cant complain much .. if im down i usually take a few days to self and just relax alone now worries but im usually playing games or shopping with daughter little things to get mind off pain or i sing in sims

[codedd]

awww wish that could do something more for you then they already are.

[SnShnPlayr]

well i wish to but can only pray one day a good pain med works